Part 1 – The beginning
I'd like to tell you that what you’re about to read is really important and is going to impact your life. The truth is, I'm probably not going to tell you anything you haven't heard before, but let me encourage you to read it anyway.
I was raised on a small community in Santa Cruz between the boundaries of Chinatown and Tondo, along with my eldest sister. It may not be the perfect place for everyone but I owe everything to my crib. I had a happy childhood though we’re not a perfect family. My dad left us before I was born due to traditional family values. My mom is a Chinese and it was a mortal sin before to have a relationship with a Filipino. To make things worse, my grandparents signed my birth certificate as my legal parents.
I grew up knowing my “Lolo and Lola” are my parents and their siblings are my “Kuya’s and Ate’s”. May be that’s the reason why our neighbors keep on teasing me that I was took from a bull’s shit. But I just ignored them, I’m confident that I’m the “bunso” of the family. Until something happened to me, I was 5 or 6 years old then when I figure out that I’m not a normal kid. I know it may sound ridiculous because I was still very young then but it is true. I know I’m not a boy, but I’m attracted to them. It’s funny because I didn’t play dolls or any girl’s toys. I love to play with boys, running, playing hide and seek, “tumbang preso”, “luksong kalabaw”, everything that most boys are into. That’s why they were shocked when they knew it.
It’s been a long and difficult journey for me before I was accepted. Apart from they are of Chinese blood which being a gay is also a big question; they are also conservative and strict. It was during elementary when I found out who my parents are. My dad’s family lives across the street where our house stands. That’s why they keep on telling me that I should call them, “Tito, Tita,” which I usually don’t mind because I thought they’re joking. But, my Lola explained to me everything and even told me I was an unexpected child. My mom didn’t know she was pregnant before they got separated and they even try to get rid off me. I was shocked knowing these revelations and anger slowly grows in my young heart.
I was an honor student from kinder up to high school. I graduated first honorable mention in elementary next to our salutatorian who is my crush. In high school it was a very stiff competition because all honor students from top elementary schools in our district are combined but still I ended top 18th place during our graduation. When I enter college that’s the time I change a lot. My being homosexual developed during college days since I’m exposed with a lot of gay friends. In college I started also being a rebellious son. Most of the time I go home late at night and there are times I don’t go home because of parties. And also during these years I started trying things which I know is bad and illegal. I started smoking, drinking liquors, gambling even drugs. It was the second semester of my first year in college when I met my first boyfriend. He’s two years ahead and a member of the student council. He’s tall, dark and handsome and we have the same denominator- we both came from a broken family.
At first we just started as friends, I joined several organizations in school just to be near him. I changed a lot because of the things I learned from him, his views in life, and his ambitions. I thought I’m only longing for an older brother’s attention or a father figure since I never had a father since birth. But apparently, my feelings for him grew and grew until he confronted me. It was one stormy night in school, after the orgs’ meeting was adjourned, he asked me if I could stay and wait for him in the garden near the school’s chapel. He looks so serious and quiet that makes me nervous. I was sitting in right across the fountain when I saw him running. I asked him what is it regarding and it’s already past ten o’ clock and I need to be home before twelve midnight. He looks me straight in the eye and asked me if what he heard from our friends is true. He doesn’t sound angry or pissed off but you will feel his seriousness. I try to bluff him but with no use. He repeated the question and this time I just bow my head and started crying. I was caught-off guard. He suddenly come closer to me and taps my shoulders. He admits he was shocked when one of our close friends asked if we are in a relationship. Actually I was drunk when I told our close friends about my feelings for him. But, none of them violently reacted and to my surprise they even offer support and advices because they know this is not easy for me to handle. It was a very long silence for the two of us; I explained everything to him while I was crying. I was about to stood up when he held my hand and look directly to my eyes. He asked me to stay and he wanted to say something for me. It was really hard for him because he’s a straight guy and this is also he’s first time in this kind of situation. He told me I’m special for him, he’s wondering why he feels that way for me. He thought I’m like a brother to him since he’s an only child. But he didn’t give me the assurance that we can be lovers that night. He doesn’t want to be hasty. It’s not the right time for us to make decisions which in time we’re going to regret and blame each other for it. I think I’m the most beautiful student in the campus during that moment. I think I’m in heaven that time, my heart is about to explode hearing those words though we’re not yet committed. He drives me home that night. He explained to my mom why I’m late and I told him to drive safely and call me once he’s already at home. If only cell phone is already invented that time may be he’ll just send me a message. After an hour he called me up and we exchange good nights to each other. It’s hard for me to sleep that night, there are things running in my head on what we’ll happen tomorrow, the next day, next week, for the two of us. I just pray that come what may, I need to be strong and ready for anything may come up for the two of us.
To be continued…
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